A Drag Queen’s Motto

1 Feb

Just a little thought of the day….

A new season of my favorite show ever started last Monday and after watching the second episode last night I realized something.

The show I am referring to is RuPaul’s Drag Race and it is just the greatest!! Okay, so I know I may not learn anything of use from this show but it really is a breath of fresh air. It’s kind of like what you would get out of an episode of Jersey Shore, some much needed comic relief! The show is basically a modeling contest mixed with challenges for men who dress up as women. Every episode is pretty entertaining, usually showing the contestants having to make outfits by using not ordinarily used items. My fascination with this show is to see how a pretty decent looking man can transform himself into looking like a pretty decent female. On most episodes it actually shows them getting dressed, doing their make-up, and taping padding to themselves to give themselves  that girlish figure. My favorite is Raja, who is a very well-known make-up artist. He actually makes a very beautiful woman. Anyways, at the end of each challenge each contestant does a run-way walk and is judged by a panel of judges. The bottom two contestants have to “Lip sing for their lives” and after RuPaul determines who “shantee’ you stay” or “sashay away.”

Now what brings me to writing this particular blog is the motto Rupaul says at the end of every show.

“If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you going to love somebody else?”

This is so true and something that a lot of people need to live by, including myself.  If all of these Drag Queen’s can parade around for the world to see and still hold their heads up high, then I think I should be able to hold my head up high too. I need to learn to not care what others think and to learn how to love myself just the way I am.

Every woman needs to live by this motto and tune into their inner drag queen!

 


Lord, Send Me A Sign!

28 Jan

Has anyone ever told you that if they had the choice to go back and relive their twenties, they probably wouldn’t?  I never really understood what they meant until now. The early twenties are still somewhat great because you are still at the age where you don’t have too many responsibilities, along with it still being okay to figure out what you want to do in life. The problem is when you turn about 24 or 25, all the pressure seems to be brought upon you. By this time it is expected for you to know what you want to do in life, to begin your career, start settling down and start living your life as an adult.

From the time I was a little girl I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up, a Nurse. There was never really a plan B,  so after a very hard & complicated 4 years of attempting to be a nurse I was screwed.  I decided I couldn’t try to pursue my dream of becoming a nurse because it was time to be a big girl and get a big girl job. I knew I needed to do something with the schooling I had already completed so all that time and money wouldn’t be wasted. My decision was to transfer to the closet degree without losing any of the classes I had taken. After another two years of school, I finally graduated with a Bachelor’s of Science in Allied Health with a concentration of Supervision & Management. Now you might ask what does one do with that degree? Good question, and if anyone has an answer please let me know! Once I got my degree I went on a hunt for a job and eventually got hired as an Administrative Assistant in order to gain experience that I lacked. Within a year I was promoted to an Assistant Clinical Research Coordinator, which I am pretty damn proud of. But now the problem is I do enjoy my job most days, but it is a very high stress complicated job that I am DEFINITELY not getting paid enough for what I do. And I’m not exactly sure if this job is what I want to do the rest of my life.

So I decided to have a little discussion with God last night, which isn’t something I do often. I would say I am more spiritual than religious, but I decided it was time we had a talk. Below is the one-sided conversation I had with the big man upstairs:

“Okay so I know I haven’t spoken to you in a while, but I really need your help! I know it seems that I only talk to you when I need something and that is something I will work on. I’m lost in this thing called life and I need your guidance. I need for you guide me in the right direction and down the path I was destined for. I feel like I have been stuck in a four-way cross street for quite some time and I am tired of being stuck. My life , as you know,  hasn’t been the easiest but I’m ready for it to be a little easier. I know you have this master plan and purpose for everything, but do you think we could fast forward a little? Please, don’t take this plea as ungratefulness. I am so grateful to have a job in this economy, to have a roof over my head, to have reliable means of transportation, and to be able to live comfortably. I am truly blessed to have such an amazing husband, family, and friends and do not take that for granted whatsoever. Can you please send me a sign? A sign that will tell me what I am supposed to do or guide me in the right direction. Now you have to understand  I am a little stubborn and unaware of things sometimes, so you may have to show me that sign a few times. Just help me figure out something to do with my life that has a purpose as well as something that I can enjoy! Thank you again for all of your greatness and I will be looking forward to hearing from you REAL soon! Amen!”

So hopefully I will get some sort of sign soon, but until then I will keep my eyes and ears open!

Weekly Ritual, Monthly Friend

25 Jan

Sorry I haven’t blogged in a few days, but my computer at home is a piece of junk and I was at home sick yesterday. So I may just take the weekends off from blogging.

 

Sunday’s are my ritual days to de-masculinize  myself. I am going to go through the run down of what I have to do every Sunday so I can attempt to look like a female. First of all, I should own stock in Nair because the amount I have had to use throughout my life. I Nair my mustache, pluck my beastly eyebrows, I shave my legs, arms, under-arms, and my girly area. In addition to that I also have to pluck the hair around my belly button (i know, disgusting) and the random hairs that grow on my chest. By time I get out of the bathtub, you could make a fur coat with all the hair that comes off of my body EVERY week. This is what I have done since I was a pre-teen and I always thought I was just a hairy Italian girl. Thank you PCOS, I just love spending my Sunday afternoons poking, scraping, prodding, & chemically stinging my body!

Along with my weekly ritual came my monthly friend. My Aunt Flo is in town and another friendly reminder of my PCOS. The pelvic pain wasn’t as bad this month. Last month I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital because it had gotten so bad. I thought what I was experiencing, every woman experienced during that time of the month, but I was wrong. I thought because my uterus is swollen/inflamed, mixed with gas and having to go number two, it was  just too much stuff crammed down there is such a small space. After sharing this with my mom, she told me that’s how her Endometriosis started…”it feels like a knife is going up your butt”.. were her exact words. And it does feel like that but only during my period, the rest of the month I am fine.  And now that I am looking at the signs/symptoms of Endometriosis I am getting a little concerned, because I have pretty much all of them. I have an OB/GYN appointment scheduled in February to discuss this, my PCOS, and fertility options so we shall see what he has to say.

Sometimes I wish men had to go through all of this stuff .. we already have enough to worry about.. it would  be nice for the men to have to carry some of the burden sometimes!



Control Freak Epiphany

20 Jan

First off I would like to say thank you to everyone who read and commented on my blog yesterday. I also wanted to thank the people who shared their story’s with me.  It’s amazing to see how many women out there are going through almost exactly the same situation as me, especially related to PCOS. So far, this blog has actually started to accomplish everything I want by providing a place for us to share, listen, learn, give advice, and have support.

Okay, so now on to my epiphany….

Hello, my name is Jenna, and I am a control freak. Now I’m not an extreme control freak, but it does affect my life in many ways. I try to plan the future for every situation, I always have a Plan B, if something happens at the last-minute I get anxious, and I often have to have things done my way. (My husband can vow for this because he gets so aggravated with me). So I was thinking the other day,

I try to control everything surrounding me in my environment, which in reality I have no control over.   I  can’t control what life brings my way, but the one thing I can have control over  is myself.  My thoughts and body are things I can somewhat control, excluding my PCOS (which I have really no control over). I can control what I eat, how much I exercise, my thoughts, how I present myself and all of those are the things I have the hardest time gaining control over.

According to my therapist, Dr. Darling, this is a very profound realization. I would just like to be able to switch the two (external vs internal control) and get my shit together, ya know? This will be part of my learning process with Dr. Darling. She suggested a workbook called “Mastery of your Anxiety and Worry” Workbook and what I have read/done so far has really helped. I have only read the first two chapters, so I will let you know more when I get a little more into it.  It’s fairly inexpensive on Amazon if anyone is interested.

I also wanted to recommend “The Ultimate PCOS Handbook: Lose Weight, Boost Fertility, Clear Skin and Restore Self-Esteem.” I got this off of Amazon as well and it offers a TON of great information about PCOS.

That’s all for today, until tomorrow….

 



A bit of history….

19 Jan

Before I get into blogging the present, I wanted to give you a little of the past. This is a long one, I promise they all won’t be like this.

Weight

I am a 25-year-old woman who has always struggled with her weight since I was a young girl. You would think I would be one of the healthiest girls around town considering my dad has been a bodybuilder my entire life. I know what I’m supposed to eat and how much I should exercise, but for some reason it still seems to be a struggle. I started taking Adderall, a medication for ADD, a few years ago that seemed to help me maintain my weight but I’ve realized I can’t always rely on that. I have tried every diet, diet pill, and exercise plan known to man and nothing seems to work. The only time in my life I feel I have been at a healthy weight was during High school. I didn’t follow a special diet, but I did go to dancing about 4 or 5 days a week and hit up the gym occasionally. Back then I was carefree, stress free, and spontaneous. Somehow I need to figure out how to get back to that person, without changing the person I have become today.

PCOS

Last year I was diagnosed with a syndrome called PCOS. In a nutshell, when I ovulate instead of my ovaries releasing an egg it forms a cyst on my ovary. After getting married in November 2009, my husband and I began trying to get pregnant. Six months later consisting of ovulation tests, 30 lbs of weight gain, losing hair, and hot flashes I decided it was time to go to the OB/GYN. My OB/GYN then referred me to an Endocrinologist who ran A LOT of tests and came to the conclusion of PCOS.

As soon as I found out, I went home and did some research it because I had no idea what he was talking about. Some of the symptoms included hirsutism (increased hair growth on face, chest, stomach, thumbs, & toes), acne, weight gain, hair thinning, pelvic pain, irregular period, and fatigue. **Breaking News: I now have an excuse for being as hairy as a gorilla.** I always thought it was because I am part Italian, LOL! I thought everyone experienced the pelvic pain, I thought it’s what normal cramps feel like, not so much! And I always use to brag about how my period only lasted for three days, maybe Karma is coming back to get me😉. With PCOS, weight gain is easy and weight loss is extremely hard.. the story of my life. So technically I have an excuse for the weight, but I don’t want it…I’m tired of excuses.

My Endocrinologist offered some options on how to control PCOS. Diet and Exercise (blah). Birth Control (can’t take if I want to get pregnant). Metformin (a diabetic drug), which I chose.  I have been taking it for about 6 months and to be honest I haven’t really noticed a difference. Metformin affects the way insulin controls blood glucose (sugar), lowers testosterone production, and stabilizes hormone levels. It slows the growth of abnormal hair and, after a few months of use, may help ovulation to return. Recent research has shown metformin to have other positive effects, such as decreased body mass and improved cholesterol levels.

Stress/Anxiety

I’ve realized I have a problem handling stress and have more anxiety than most people. As a result of stress my body exhibits physical signs of sicknesses/illnesses. My first semester of nursing school I got the Shingles. What 25 yr old do you know gets the damn shingles? I basically live sick, just ask my friends. They probably think I lie to them when I cancel our plans because I’m sick all the time. Along with being stressed, I am tired all the time. I am only 25, not 75, hell my grandparents are more active than me. I figured there has to be a reason why I am sick and tired all the time, but my doctor’s never seemed to have an answer. After trying many different avenues, I decided to try a new one by going see a therapist. I have only seen her twice and she explained how not handling stress and anxiety properly can result in fatigue, etc. More to come with this topic.

 

Sorry again for my first blog being so long, but I wanted to lay the foundation of what I will be talking about in my future blogs! I plan to discuss my attempts to triumph over weight, stress, infertility, just saying No, and life in general. I hope you enjoyed what I  have  done so far and not bored to death! Any feedback ( good & bad) is welcome!

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